today's a rainy sunday. lol.

currently staying at home to recover from yesterday's activities . i was so so tired until i slept with my glasses and hair clip on, and slept in a really ugly position with my pillow being vertical ( my pillow hardly leaves my head if im sleeping proper) and my soft toy on the floor. HAHA. but the sleep was good. i had 11 hours of sleep and am feeling wide awake now. lol. was surfing the net since 1 plus lol.

finally found 'the city' series on youtube, but turns out there is only one episode.-.- anyone knows where else i can watch it ? its by MTV. lol.

anyway, suntec was kinda shocking. i didnt prepare for my solo, and i thought appendix d didnt do well . but we managed to get through the next round . lol.

and my body is aching like mad. my back , and my tummy is hurting badly for no reason. i suspect its the drinks that i had yesterday. LOL.

and what a suprise. lol. baby's online and 4 plus pm here. haha .

need to go to the toilet . tummy upset=.= more updates later !

currently things arent as heavy as the past few days . currently busy with suntec, hopefully things will get better as each day passes.

its cold right now, with the wind blowing against my back. somehow i wished i had the courage on that night , but its just that something that stopped me from it . i wonder what.

it has come to a point where im just taking anything as it goes. life has become dreadfully tiring.

-

i did a dance for nicole. i hope she sees it though. that girl always wanted to come watch me , but always backed out last min. =.= now im bringing the dance to you okay? hope you liked it .


okay im just gonna sit in front of the computer and stone . its so cold. zzz.

its a very cold night .

from now on, i shall deal with my own problems .

keeping quiet should be the way to keep everyone happy and smiling.

shall stop being troublesome and problematic to everyone and keep my problems to myself.

i'll just try to keep the smile there for everyone to see.

life could not get any worse than this.

now you're saying goodbye to me?

do you know how much i needed you especially this period ? and you said goodbye .

the person whom i only have now , left and said goodbye.



i think its time to plan when i should leave and say goodbye too.

everything's fucked up.

including me.

happy?

what do i have to do just prove to you that i love only you?

please stop being jealous/upset . because i dont know what else i can do to prove to you.

i hate it when you had to nag and talk to me. just fuck off and stop picking on every lil single thing i do.

i swear if anything happens to me, you play a major role in it .

its a brand new day.

hmm. i wonder who will actually be there when i pass.

sense of worthlessness and self hate sinks in.

unloved.

i am really tired now, but somehow many thoughts ran though my mind . i tried telling it to B , but B somehow feels like he didnt wanna listen . and J slept already, so maybe i should write it here since there's always the blogspot.com there for me.

i kept asking myself, when i saw N just now. i asked myself, why didnt i have the courage N had when she did it ? i dont deny i had plans too. but i just couldnt find myself commiting it.

many many times, i felt terrible. felt unloved. felt like as though people dont like me . i still feel this way. is it because of me ? is it something that you dont like about me? whats wrong with me ?

then it leads to self hate. i hate myself for being a boring person, a person that isnt fun to be with , a person that is constantly sensitive, a person who just needs extra loving care from everyone else except B cause i know he is always there for me, a person who needs that love because i dont have a family that provides love.

i dance because i feel dance embraces me. it doesnt judge me, it doesnt look at me in a way that im a freak. it brings me through it, and most importantly, it keeps me alive.

let me share smth bout my family. my family is the traditional kind of family you could find in the streets of chinatown. love is not something that is expressed. no such thing as , 'how was your day ? do you have enough money to spend?' no thats not it. its like, ' why are you asking for money again? your allowance is only this much. why are you always out ? dont you have school ? why are you at home?'

sometimes, i dont feel like heading home. i feel like im not accepted . not only home but everywhere else. you might not know that you made me feel this way , but you actually broke my heart many times. however, i chose to ignore. same for friends. people that i treated them as 'friends'.

i read this off N's blog. K asked her how could she think someone feels like a stranger when she knew that person for quite some time. i asked myself that question too. like im v good friends with this person , but as time passes by, she made me feel its all one-sided. all the actions and everything. no longer selfless, but more of the Self. if you know what i mean.

i used to say this all the time. when the 'bottle' inside me is filled to the brim of emotional outbreaks, its time to empty it. i guess its time. just that, i dont find anyone that i could really spill it out. and its always me alone. telling this non existence thing of my sensitive thoughts and how i actually felt towards everyone's actions towards me.

why do people ignore me all the time? why is that each time someone mentions someone else, it wouldnt be me ? why do i have to walk alone all the time, besides the time with james?

i have alot of questions. alot alot of it i swear it might just drown me.

im not suicidal. like what james says, im scared of Death. but , i dont know.

its a wake up call.

its been a very long mentally draining 2 days.

i need to learn to move on.

smile because it happened, and smile because we all know she lived her life to the fullest and theres a guaranteed spot for her in heaven.

im fine. i hope everyone is.

thank you baby for being here, and listening to my paranoid self. i hope you're not irritated.=x

i found closure yesterday, because i've seen her personally. and i know she wont reply to msg or call anymore.

its okay. i shall go to the library to study now. please put some cream on all those panda eyes yesterday esp. bee and cleone.

shall do my very best for you , nicole. wait for my present. i'll give it to you soon.

dearest nicole bim .

words might not fully express how i feel right now, towards you . my heart feels like its aching really badly. and i need you to be here to send me that msg that goes ' cheer up okay? i'll see u in sch tmr xoxo :) HAHA'

seeing those people at the wake, from all different parts of your life somehow feels heartwarming. they say, you cant see your own funeral . but i just wanna tell you, if you're listening that everyone who loved you came. and its so many until the traffic police had to come. awesome right babe?

i am now looking at that booklet , with your name and your smiley face staring right back at me. i admired you , nicole. for you always had that smile ready for anyone , and anywhere. i admired you for being that 'perfect' person, with that perfect personality. its hard to dislike you, you know? i always remember you as the friendly girl . the one who introduced yourself to me during yr 2.

you've changed me in some way , nicole. to me, friendly is you. bubbly is you. no one can beat that . some people say im bubbly. but i dont think so anymore, because when i look at you, i realised you are the one. not me.

'i dont need answers to what happened. only God needs to know because he is big enough and has the ability to do something bout it .' this was what the pastor said just now. i think its true. but at some point, i wished i had the ability to do something bout it too.

i will always remember the 'will-you' questions we always ask each other. like, 'will you marry a computer geek or a nerd?' and i'll always find something to ask too. i still remember that last picture. we were asking each other bout some questions and talking bout boyfriends. do you remember , nicole?

no more burping , no more bubbly nicole anymore.

im preparing a gift for you . its in my head. the movements to the song that i've chosen for you. i might not have the necessary techniques, but trust me , it all comes from my heart.

may you dance among the angels , and look down upon me as a guardian angel for i lost a friend, but gained a guardian angel in return .

you can see from this post that i missed you very much nicole. and im keeping you in my personal diary. locked up , and engraved in my heart .

xoxo.

im sorry , but i dont cope with grief very well.

especially when someone i treasure goes before me.

losing a friend hurts so much for me .

although its too late to tell her how much i treasured her as a friend, nevertheless i hoped she knows it .

-
dear nicole,

i wished you had the chance to watch me on saturday. you're the first one to console me when i felt so sad the other day.

i'll miss your smile, miss your laughter so much. i'll miss how you try to pronounce my chinese name carefully such that its different from li ying's. i'll miss how you finish your food within 5 mins, when i just started and you'll laugh at the look on our faces.

im glad i went to sentosa for that outing. i had so much fun with you. we had fun under the sun. and with you getting all burnt .
i missed the way you are in criminal pro, and civ pro and all the subjects we had. i miss the way we would make fun of you and how you would just point your 4th finger and go ' f you'.

i miss you nicole. i really do.

cleone, kim, li ying, vanny, serene and edison might be feeling 10 times worse than me , but as a classmate, i hoped you know that i treasure you alot , and i will never forget you as the bubbly girl with that unique laughter.

love,
joey.

maybe i should give myself a pat on the back for achieving so much.
browse through my photos on fb. its like, 90% dance related. my achievements that i hold close to my heart.

i must learn to see the perfections in the imperfect me. like what gin says, learn to compliment yourself and tell yourself you've improved when you actually did. shall not be blinded by expectations.

must learn to self love. realised one of my main weakness is not being able to love myself , thus the negative thoughts all the time.

am very distracted now. shall study while staring at the small burnt mark on my right hand. zz.

i wonder how some people can get so emomo. =x
not that i am irritated or anything, but its so suprising to see some like that , when the outer side of them shows otherwise.

i think prolly im one of them , but owell . as the saying goes, ' the strongest people are also the weakest'.
somewhere along that line.=x heh.

我突然发现可以用华语来写我想说的话。 我的华语变 lousy already. LOL=X

okay gonna go study now . (:

currently waiting for the boyfriend to come online hehhh. i know im supposed to be studying but i thought i should get a well deserved rest tonight, before officially mugging my ass off tomorrow. probably gonna wake up early to start studying and annotating the CPC. lol.

and so, saturday's suntec auditions. pretty hyped up event, loads of groups like omgwtf have to wait damn long for the results cause there were so many groups. LOL. sometimes i wonder how the judges could take it , sitting at the judges table looking at so many different kind of routines, listening to 'poker face' and 'mad' more than once. lol.

my solo was pretty okay. somehow, the worried feeling dissipated once im on the stage . heh. i was actually pretty worried due to the music ( it was skipping at osch, but was working fine at home) . anyway it worked, and i felt good. in addition , nicole shouted 'james loves you' while i was dancing . my friends heard too, and its definitely something worth remembering. haha.

the stage this year , is shorter haha. same organizers , recognized the people . lol. alot of cute kids ! haha. my personal favorite was the mini bboy with the red cap and singlet that had this 'rubbing-face-with-the-hand' movement , which made gin and i laugh like crazy LOL. he's damn cute. i guess he got through! haha. (:

all the best to us , and the juniors. (: and to RS too!(:

-
went to catch a movie today . lol. GI Joe. action movie. wanted to watch UP , but the timings are screwed . lol.

i realised , i am very very mmm. how to say, uhhh. observant? lol. i have this uncanny ability to note who is looking at me , and who is talking bout me based on actions. lol. while i was walking along orchard, there's this malay girl looking at me . so i thought, nevermind . probably just a sweeping look or smth. then , she talked to her friend or smth, and both looked at me . and they were looking at my shoes. lol. so obviously they were talking bout me . LOL. and other instances too. heh.

okay nel just uploaded our item on fb. gonna go watch . updates later !(:

you know, sometimes i feel really blessed , and sometimes i feel like im super non existent in people's eyes. lol.

blessed , because no matter what, there will always be this group of people that will stick by my side , and aid me through tough times. and the motivation that they help to achieve is crazy. (:

super non existent , because sometimes, people dont care bout what i suggest, or mention. is it because im an unimportant person , thats why you feel there's no need to reply me or even bother bout me ? dont treat me like im a fool because i can tell. or i am sensitive enough to feel it.

im super tired now, and i am so ready to drop dead now.

thanks baby , for being here with me. (:

i can do this .
just go out , and dance.

'if you plan an art work, it wont turn out nice. let the hand move across the blank paper, and there you go, a perfect piece of art. '

probably the mood swings..

im feeling so much better now. currently drinking hot yummy ovaltine and suprisingly, its making me feel better. i felt warmth in the tummy than the bloaty feeling i've got , in school and when im napping just now.

i swear i cant open my eyes while heading to school. and now, i know how it feels like to walk around school, zombie-fied. =x

im gonna add blonde extensions later, cause of the juniors. looks cool , and its cheap so why not=x hhaa.

i really think its the period that causes the sucky and emomo mood yesterday.

i haven't choreo-ed my solo, wish me best of luck. gonna leave the house soon to do the extensions and head over to training ground to do a little before training starts. heh. but owell. there's always the freestyle to back me up. i hope it doesnt fail me . =x

one more day . for the first time, my classmates are coming to watch me . im pretty suprised that they actually would. heh . i'll just do my best. (:

nobody can understand how i feel. i miss james so much that im breaking down now. yeah loser but how not to , when we talk for less than an hour every single day. no phone calls no smses no personal reminders to motivate me to work even harder. no hugs and kisses like other couples do. no piggybacking when im dragging my feet back home. no one to walk me home after midnight , and having to glance over my shoulder everytime i walk home . i do get scared , sometimes. maybe going to sleep now and worrying bout suntec solo and grp might help. im sorry , love, if you're reading this. i really wished i had 48 hours for you and everything else. nevermind, get myself some sleep in case my eyes gets all puffy in the morning. 5 and half hours to rise and shine. the feeling will go away. goodnight.

happy national day , Singapore !(:

tyce diorio's dedication to his friend, who has breast cancer. personally, i felt its really touching and extremely sad to see the judges cry . and what i've learnt in this routine , just by watching , is that you dont need perfect techniques to do every single dance. what is of upmost importance is definitely what comes from the heart. (:

this is my personal favorite too . talks bout the mistress of a guy and being unable to have the strength to leave him . (: i like it because the music plays a prt. listen to the lyrics, and everything in the dance just pieces up together like a jigsaw puzzle.(:

(:

updates soon!(:

HAPPY 13 MONTHS BABY !

(:


I LOVE YOU !