unloved.

i am really tired now, but somehow many thoughts ran though my mind . i tried telling it to B , but B somehow feels like he didnt wanna listen . and J slept already, so maybe i should write it here since there's always the blogspot.com there for me.

i kept asking myself, when i saw N just now. i asked myself, why didnt i have the courage N had when she did it ? i dont deny i had plans too. but i just couldnt find myself commiting it.

many many times, i felt terrible. felt unloved. felt like as though people dont like me . i still feel this way. is it because of me ? is it something that you dont like about me? whats wrong with me ?

then it leads to self hate. i hate myself for being a boring person, a person that isnt fun to be with , a person that is constantly sensitive, a person who just needs extra loving care from everyone else except B cause i know he is always there for me, a person who needs that love because i dont have a family that provides love.

i dance because i feel dance embraces me. it doesnt judge me, it doesnt look at me in a way that im a freak. it brings me through it, and most importantly, it keeps me alive.

let me share smth bout my family. my family is the traditional kind of family you could find in the streets of chinatown. love is not something that is expressed. no such thing as , 'how was your day ? do you have enough money to spend?' no thats not it. its like, ' why are you asking for money again? your allowance is only this much. why are you always out ? dont you have school ? why are you at home?'

sometimes, i dont feel like heading home. i feel like im not accepted . not only home but everywhere else. you might not know that you made me feel this way , but you actually broke my heart many times. however, i chose to ignore. same for friends. people that i treated them as 'friends'.

i read this off N's blog. K asked her how could she think someone feels like a stranger when she knew that person for quite some time. i asked myself that question too. like im v good friends with this person , but as time passes by, she made me feel its all one-sided. all the actions and everything. no longer selfless, but more of the Self. if you know what i mean.

i used to say this all the time. when the 'bottle' inside me is filled to the brim of emotional outbreaks, its time to empty it. i guess its time. just that, i dont find anyone that i could really spill it out. and its always me alone. telling this non existence thing of my sensitive thoughts and how i actually felt towards everyone's actions towards me.

why do people ignore me all the time? why is that each time someone mentions someone else, it wouldnt be me ? why do i have to walk alone all the time, besides the time with james?

i have alot of questions. alot alot of it i swear it might just drown me.

im not suicidal. like what james says, im scared of Death. but , i dont know.

its a wake up call.