rant .

its 3.30am now.
i couldnt sleep.

i realised i have the tendency to avoid problems. whenever i feel upset, i will choose to forget it and pretend that nothing is wrong. and whenever i push my problems aside, i thought it would go away. but somehow, it always surfaces when i feel most vulnerable. i dont like this feeling. its been bugging me for quite some time.

i learnt that, by writing down your feelings, its supposed to be therapeutic. thats why im doing it now, hoping that i would feel better. maybe i would. i dont know. made a wrong choice by looking at certain dance vids. and then , it just made me feel suckier than i already was. i feel like im like some fucking emo kid now but no, im not. i just need to get it out of my way.

most of the time, i feel like crying over my problems, i wanna do things that i dont do anymore, i feel like hurting myself to relieve my problems. but i dont know. something is stopping me. whats fucking wrong with me?
i should probably end up dead u know.

i find myself totally screwed inside. as the saying goes, people who looks strong outside are people who are weak inside. maybe its true. sometimes, i dont know what i want to achieve, i feel like i cant achieve them , and i need to let go.
but i dont want to. i want to be determined.

someone told me before. to make yourself feel happier, lower your expectations. and some said i looked stressed, sad when i dont even realise it. maybe my face shows all. im tired.

at moments like this, i really felt like giving up. its as though someone is pressing me to give up , but im just being stubborn to keep going. maybe i should give up. ive been fighting myself for a very very long time. im tired inside. my heart. now i know why i feel heartaches too. probably of all the feelings im supressing inside. i need my faith back. i need joey back.

who really listens to you when you have problems? i dont know.

i need you here to hug me and whisper in my ears that im alright.
i want to feel safe in your arms.
i need you , with me.

i'll be fine. like i always do. its time i learn how to take things lightly . before i really break down, and go insane, and decide that its time to fly. im not emomo. im just overwhelmed by problems.maybe its the thing bout being 18. i dont like things hanging in midair. if theres a problem, i wanna solve it . rather than pretending nothing happened, especially in problems involving more than a person.

im just a fucked up person.
leave me alone .
and thanks , if u actually read up to this paragraph.



its 350am now.
im gonna go lie down for awhile.
may sunday be a better day for me.