dear diary,

i felt kinda weird today.
seems like everything is sinking into me.
=\

i recalled back, at how i was like , last time.
when i was much happier, much contented with everything i had.
not really as much problems i had now.

then it occurred to me that i've changed alot.
probably one of many times that i've said this to myself.
maybe the annual self reflection thing.
lol.

its like,
i remembered not thinking so much.
being happy, with people around me.
feeling unhappy when no one's around me.
now?
i kinda like the loneliness.
where i recollect my thoughts,
sit down, and just think.
no need to account to anyone,
no need to talk.
just purely think.
sounds very appealing to me.

then i became very sensitive.
towards everyone.
one sentence can hit me very hard.
and make me think,
if im a good friend,
a good dancer,
everything.
last time?
i take things as it goes.
not worried bout things like friendship, studies.
lol.

things changed,
people changed.
i like to see everyone as constant.
but i doubt it would be likely.
i dread changes.
but change is the only thing constant isnt it?
-

james says,
i shut people out, including him.
i didnt realise it.
i thought it was okay for one to keep your thoughts to yourself.
to try to solve our own problems.
others always problems of their own.
why increase theirs , if u load yours on them?
isnt it true?

i indulge in alot of self activities.
come to think of it.
maybe its too much.
ironic, cause i used to think i dont have time for myself.

every event , incident affects me.
questions my morale.
my principles.
my character.
have i succumbed to anything?
answer is, maybe.
probably.

i like to pen my thoughts down.
keeps me sane,
apart from dancing, and listening to music.
and its nice to note if i've grown or not,
through my writings.

one thing that's constant in my life is dancing.
a world where i call my own.
where i call my own shots,
living up to people and my expectations.
where i get to fantasize,
and picture the perfect world i wanted.
all through the movements, gracefulness that comes together with it.
something that evokes my emotions each time.

-
james would say im being emomo now.
but im not.
i alone in my room now,
listening to music,
writing all these.
i like the serenity.
peering out of the window to look at how the gloomy weather changes
to sunny all of a sudden.
a sudden urge to go out on a walk alone.
release myself from the tensions/pain in my heart.
then again,
the weather changes back to gloomy.

i dont think anyone can fathom all these that im writing.
its okay,
im fine.

nobody understands me .
because i dont either.
i often get amused by my own reactions, and thinkings.

its raining now.
despite the sun out there.
what does it say?

-

its been a while.
great to cleanse my inner self .
its been a long time.
seems like i've accumulated so much this time.
probably good.

-

i miss james.
what a good way to test our love for each other.
putting us in different countries.
and the annoying time lapse thingy which i very much hated.
and good thing too.
shows how much we cherish each other.
at least we wont go arguing over what kind of food we're gonna eat today,
whether we're gg to skate park , or a shopping mall.
being there for each other in front of the computer is something im thankful for, everyday.
maybe God sent this person to help me through the tough times.
and of course my friends too.
-

realised i've gotten less verbal at home.
good thing , i guess.
keeps my mind running, than my mouth.
no need to seek my opinion at home too.
im not heard anyway.

dance had been keeping me sane.
its my life.
and james too.
one person that showers me love everynight.
and one weird person who requested that i tell him things.
i love this weirdo who talks bout kids , and marriage with me
even though i dont wanna have kids, but for once.
he got me thinking bout spending my life with him.
far fetched you might say, at this time.
but oh well.
change is constant.

-

dope stuff.
i feel so much cleaner inside.
its time to accumulate more .
-

sorry for the long long post.
thank you, if u read my whole train of thoughts.
much appreciated.


joey.

ps. one thing i realised bout myself.
i can get attached really easily.
not that attached attached,
but more of like,
attached to something i saw, a dance or smth.
and it affects me.
take for an example,
i watched this movie.
and that movie can get me thinking bout it for like what,
2 weeks?
lol.
dope.