i finally handed in the Wills project and Divorce project today!

such a relief even though the worry sets in after that. lol.

2009 is coming to a close. guess its a bittersweet feeling. too many events, too much drama. and to myself, i realised i haven't really been good this year. lol.

2010 is gonna be a better year though. i have resolutions that i wanna stick too, and of course being a better person. trying to be that perfect girlfriend for james, being there for him whenever i can.

sorry love, for everything alright? be it my fault, your fault, whatever. doesnt matter to me . i love you , and that will never change .

and to my friends out there, i love you all . save for those who doesnt care bout me . =x lol.


new year's eve tomorrow !

time to start all the mugging again.

but im pretty sure i'll handle well. tonnes of expectations for myself.. time properly planned..
time to be focused. (:

i wanna go back to the old self. the happier one.
and i WILL.


kay Wills proj , byebye!

and i love you girls so so much. (:

my birthday this year, was spent very meaningfully . and now i know who cares for me , and who dont and vice versa.(:

thank you to this 2 very special friends in my heart. you guys didnt forget, and went all out to make sure i enjoyed my birthday. (: love the time spent today!

hope you guys love my impromptu gifts. (:

and now that i've turned 19, i've really really felt different. knew what my strength and weaknesses come from.

shall learn to be less sensitive, less judgemental , and most of all, not be affected by people who doesnt care shit bout me.(:

love my friends, and to the people who appreciated me today. thank you !(:

the past 2 days were so much fun (:

i spent christmas eve with sarita at the botanical gardens with good food and wine, and then we headed back . went to town for awhile, and saw chin with andee on the way! town was totally madness . everyone's spraying foam at each other !(: heh.

christmas morning was at service , and the play totally rocked ! its so so good , and to see mel dancing up there. heh. then went to catch 'avatar' with chin , andee and nel! super super nice show. i think its the best movie of the year. heh. (: sat at starbucks, talked, shopping. nice dinner and yayyy met up with ally for some chit chat session too!

today's gonna be spent doing my choreo and projects lol. (: and dinner with the family before they leave me alone for 3 days and yes BABY IS COMING HOME TONIGHT. SO GODDAMN EXCITED TO TALK TO HIM AFTER A WEEK! =D

and yeah i learnt alot this christmas too. im very very glad im thinking differently now, and i hope 2010 would be a better year for me. heh.

oh and merry christmas nicole! hope you're enjoying yourself up there with God. (:

today i had one of the most memorable christmas eve. (:

i learnt alot. and i enjoyed myself thoroughly. even when i was still feeling crappy over certain people, it made me smile again and i had so much fun , just like those times where i had not much problems. (:

talk more later with photos! =p

church service later followed by outing with some loved ones. im so excited ! (:

its one of the best christmas ever. thank you so much.

1 more day , baby. im waiting for you. (:

happy christmas eve ! (:

town's gonna be real packed today, be prepared for some squeezing people ! lol.

gonna head out soon to meet sarita and damn , i hate it when people gives surprises !
i dont know what she's planning but i'll just go have fun . haha. (:


have fun have fun before school starts! lol. hope joyce is having fun sitting her ass off in the plane.=x 12 hours plane ride. crazy max! LOL.


hope my boyfriend's enjoying himself too. (: love you baby. (:

i miss my boyfriend. :(


come home soon james.


and to everyone else,

merry christmas ! (:

for early christmas party this year, i had the gathering with my close clique instead(:
indian poker was so much fun! and we had a totally westernized dinner, with a very interesting soup made by joyce. LOL. vin came at the later part with this huge bag of snacks and whoa. full to the max !=x we had gift exchange too and i got a perfume from grace. loving it !(:

this was some time ago with the mother and brother. skinny pizza @ wheelock. totally good food, service and ambience. totally worth the money. (:

i wanted to try though. but i think its a little expensive for this long thin strip of sausage.=x

baby's flying off today to NY. although he isnt coming down, its fine i guess. at least he's gonna go on a trip, have fun with his brother. (:

birthday this year's gonna be spent alone and teaching at NS jam vol 5(: how many people could actually teach on their birthday? haha. some sort of consolation (:

honestly, i dont think anyone could do this for me, but i really really want james to be here . :(

oh and i realised, as u grow older, you tend to understand certain things better and i feel that it doesnt really matter if those people who think of you as invisible are around you. all you need to know are people who appreciate your existence and not treat you like some invisible fuck, while thinking that he/she doesnt know. lol.

one week without baby.. :(

today, my dad gave me $50 to get a birthday present for myself.

but.

all i want for my birthday is james.

from now on, i will not open my mouth at home anymore.

to have the love of my life doubting me is the most painful thing thats happening to me now.

goodbye.

its raining heavily since 4pm just now.

i spent the whole day, thinking bout you . bout us. waiting for you to come online even though you told me you wont be here till night time.

its really bad staying at home for me i guess. i think alot. of all the possible bad things that could happen to me , and to you.

but also good things, cause i imagined. alot bout us together. and that gave me a momentary point of happiness.

i read the book on life. just when i thought my life's screwed up enough, i read of people who faces so much worse than me. and their greatest fears.

i dont know. all i know, is that i need you here .

and for you to please stop doubting me anymore because its becoming too painful to bear.

if you dont trust me, fucking say it in my face.

if you think im some fucking slut that does things behind your back,
fucking say it in my face.


if you want me to stop being honest, fine i'll just shut up and close my mouth.

go on and fucking assume somemore because i have a fucking conscience and i know i didnt do anything.


to think i didnt question, and i trusted you. i didnt get any of this in return. AT ALL.


fine.

PHOTOS.(:

check this out ! (:

my cousins ! thats me at the side btw. =p

my brother and i. LOL=X i should be around 5 yrs old.=p

im much happier last time.

i've changed so much till i didnt realise it.

:(

some people just dont understand what they're missing out, until they really experienced it. LOL.


and and and.

i miss the lover. haha.

so so weird not talking to him for a day!

i closed the door, and you're still nagging away.

i plugged in my ipod, and you're still nagging away.

i walked out of the room, and you're still nagging away.

i left the house, and you're still nagging away.

baseless and wrongful accusations.


will you stop if i was dead?

its the 7th today.

17 months already.. what a very very long time. 17 months of not seeing each other, not hearing each other's voices, not breathing in each other's scent, not feeling each other's warm embrace.

wow. i will never understand how we actually lasted this long.

i love you james. i wish you were here right now.

i wish you were with me all the time.

but its alright. it will always be alright.

i have no idea why the wound took so long this time , to heal. im sorry.

-


its the month of december. i dont feel the hype of christmas. i dont feel the hype of my birthday. i dont feel alot of things this month. maybe its me. i feel really numb towards everything. i feel like some introvert again. i dont wanna do anything, i just want to be alone.

i want to stay in starbucks, and watch people walk by. or probably go to borders and read some book.


sigh.

im tired, you're tired.

i know it, and you know it.

i love you and you love me.


the wound is still fresh, raw and hurting.

not your fault. its my fault. i expect too much.

i just wanna run away.

the distance between us is so near yet so far apart. definitely further than how the two hearts are placed.

i never thought it would be so painful to be like that, to see couples walking on the streets together.

i've never thought i'd feel that i dont belong here, because of the ungracious people in this country, and all the ugly sides to it.

i never thought that im in rship that no one would probably understand, and all these while i thought i dont need anyone there.

you came into my life and created a whirlwind . but is the whirlwind dying down?

im confused, and i know you are too.

maybe we're all too stubborn.

i think i suck in dance.

or am i expecting too much from myself?

the world is a realistic place. especially in the dance scene. although you can be friends, u have friends.. at the end of the day, its all about the ability. no such thing as , 'oh you're my friend, i would like you to grab the opportunity.'

i find it very disturbing that this is happening, but probably this is the way it works. all i can do now is just to do my best. i dont need to prove to you how good i am , neither do you need to judge how well i am. as long i know we all have different strengths and weaknesses.

im determined to make this work. but do you dare say you are continuing what you're doing after we leave school?

so disappointing. maybe its time to grow up. stop being naive. lol. the world isnt kind to you, joey.

and am i a good and capable dancer?

even i am doubting myself, thank you very much.